Parenting is one of the most important and difficult jobs a person can have. It demands extraordinary skills, stamina, creativity and unconditional love. By establishing and maintaining your role as a supportive and communicative parent, you provide a safe and stable environment for your child. Using these proven communication tips will lead to a long-lasting, open and loving relationship.

Tip #1: Frame requests in a positive manner with emphasis on the negative outcomes rather than the negative behavior.

• Instead of…

“You cannot climb on the chairs, you know you are not supposed to!”

• Use …

“I would like you to walk around the chairs, climbing on them would not be safe, you can fall and hurt yourself”

• Instead of …

“You are not supposed to be standing. You are breaking the classroom rules.

• Use…

“If you stand up when your classmates are sitting down they may not be able to see.

Tip #2: Relate to and be aware of your child’s mental innocence and language capacity

Form a Physical connection with your child by achieving eye contact and approaching the child in a non-threatening manner.

Optimize verbal connections with your child by using simple child-friendly language and maintain active listening.

• Instead of …

“It is unacceptable to hit your brother”

• Use…

“Please keep your hands to yourself and do not hit your brother”

Keep conversations brief!! One good rule is to speak to young children for no longer than 30 seconds and then ask him/her to comment on what was said.

Tip #3: Utilize open-ended questions

• What would happen if..?
• What do you think about..?
• How do you think we could..?
• What would you do..?
• Why so you think this happened..?

• Instead of…“Did you hurt your brother?”
• Use…

“Why is your brother crying?”

• Instead of…

“ Did you make this mess?”

• Use…

“What can you tell me about this spilled paint?”

Tip #4: Utilize “I” statements

“I” messages are less threatening and it helps the child understand how their behavior made you feel, instead of accusing/blaming.

• Instead of…

“You are not listening!”

• Use…

“I feel that when you are playing while I am talking, you don’t think what I have to say is important”

Tip #5 Provide choices to encourage a mutual compromise and discovery of solutions

• Example

“It is very hard for me to talk when you interrupt, but I know you have something important to say. You can say it when I am finished or you can write it down and say it when it is your time to talk. Which would you prefer?”

• Example

“You can take a bath before dinner or before you go to bed. What would you like to do?”

This type of communication will prevent the establishment of a negative communication pattern that results in blame, guilt, and can result in defensiveness, lying, and on-going conflict. By using the techniques in these 5 tips you are using language that is more age appropriate, fostering open and positive communication, and improving decision-making skills.

Albert Ellis-Founder of RET

If you are suffering from depression, poor self-esteem, or anxiety, Rational Emotive Therapy (RET) can help you learn how to feel good.

Albert Ellis developed rational emotive therapy in the 1950’s. RET is one of the many cognitive behavioral treatment modalities currently used in the mental health field. This therapy focuses on helping the client change those events that can be changed, to gracefully tolerate those that cannot, and to develop the capacity to discriminate between the two. It was based on the idea that psychological problems are caused by self-defeating thoughts, such as “I must be loved or approved by everyone” and “If I don’t find the perfect solution to this problem, a catastrophe will result”. Once such thoughts are changed, emotional and behavioral changes will follow. My task is to help you recognize the illogical and self-destructive thinking processes and to help you replace them with healthier, positive ones.

The human mind can produce about 60,000 thoughts per day. Some of these thoughts may cause negative emotions that if untreated, can lead to depression, poor self-esteem, anxiety, and other insecurities that may be self-destructive. This is where RET can be useful. It is a therapy that empowers you to change your thinking and to have a more profound understanding of how your thinking affects the way you feel. If you are able to modify your patterns of thought by increasing awareness and training your mind, you will be able to minimize emotional distress and promote well-being.

How?

RET helps you identify the emotional and practical problems in your life, and helps delineate the difference between the two. You will be able to minimize emotional disturbances, obtain self-actualization, and experience an improvement in your quality of life.

For instance, Susan is a very sucessful lawyer, a great mother to two young children and an outstanding wife. The law firm where she was employed downsized, and as a result her case load decreased as did her salary. For the past month, Susan was waking up at 4 a.m., she was eating uncrontollably and cried almost on a daily basis. Some of Susan’s statements in treatment were as follows:

“I am very scared that I will lose my home; I feel like a bad wife and mother; I just feel like I am going to lose my mind!”

Emotional problem: Susan is upsetting herself about her current setbacks, why not continue doing your best at your firm without generalizing that EVERYTHING is a failure in your life. She fails to remember that she plays a crucial role in her family, and is has been able to carry a balanced life with a successful career and a stable home.

Practical problem: This would involve the success of her business. How can she increase her salary, what are other work related options?

Many people may believe that the practical problem causes the emotional problem, yet it is our thoughts and the perceptions about that event that cause the emotional response.

ABC model

Activating event (activating experience)

Our perception of an unfortunate environmental occurrence.

ie. Susan’s decrease in her case load and decrease in salary due to changes in her company.

Belief system

Our irrational and rational beliefs about the event. These are our automatic thoughts. Irrational beliefs are the ones that we want to address with RET. These thoughts typically consist of “must’s/should’s.” They are also referred to as “thinking errors.”

Three main irrational beliefs are:

“I must be an outstanding component or I am worthless.”

“Others must treat me considerably, or they are absolutely rotten.”

“The world will give me happiness, or I will die.”

In Susan’s case her irrational beliefs will consist of “I must make ,000 a year, or I am a failure”

Emotional and behavioral consequences

These are the negative emotions such as depression, panic, rage that stems from our beliefs.

Ellis adds the D and the E, D stands for disputation in which you learn how to challenge and debate your irrational thinking. When you are successful at accomplishing this task, then you can move on to E. At this point, you should ultimately enjoy the positive psychological effects of rational beliefs.

I belive empowerement is the key to therapy. Empowerment is the ability to be adaptive and flexible with a positive attitude and good problem-solving skills that enables us to meet our needs over the course of our lives. We all face life challenge. The key is to modify our thinking patterns and find a way to maintain positive self-esteem over the course of our lives, regardless of what kinds of challenges face us.

“Being happy doesn’t mean everything is perfect.  It means you’ve decided to look beyond imperfections”

- Unknown